So it turns out that if I live alone, I can hurt myself. Was trying to sleep, 45–60 mins of reading didn’t help.

I should seriously join a gym or something, and keep a dog. So I was reading, and the subject came to happiness. What makes us happy. This author says it’s not the promotion or material that you were waiting for. That doesn’t make you happy. Happiness is purely about biological sensations. That promotion will feel good for some hours. The author mentioned that people go for antidepressants on regular days, then choose to exercise or make a friend.

I did hurt myself today, my legs are bruised. And I want more of it. Yes it feels good and my head is just thinking about it.. it’s like an infinite loop, that my head finds easy to get, easiest way to feel better. Yes it’s upsetting that my body’s preference of go to chemical is endorphins, oxytocin from a cry. And more endorphins from pain. Sort of scary that after having bruised legs, I’m still ready for more, yes it hurts it hurts like hell. My skin is swollen in the places of strikes. I see blood clots. And I still want more.

So even crying and pain can keep me happy for some hours. It goes. I read on exercise also, and food. Exercise will give you an instant serotonin rush, and post that it can, (did in my case) slow me down. Food makes you happy, but you can’t keep eating forever.

I have been saying for some years now that I need a whiplash for everyday. The other book, Ikigai mentioned a full balanced way of keeping yourself happy or at least trying to pursue it. It to get up in time, eat healthy, less than what you need mostly. Exercise, meet a friend and do everyday task, small task of making your bed, it again releases that boosts you with confidence. Have an aim in life to achieve something to want to do something. It will keep you engaged and running.

Social media gives that boost, someone appreciating you, guess Taleb said that human beings live to be recognised, appreciated and celebrated. I thought social media was the answer, a youtube channel, it can bring a lot of the ingredients together, it can keep me occupied, it can make me follow a schedule, it can hopefully help with making friends, and hopefully also be celebrated. Reminds of the flow concept once you start putting things out, it works like ripple effect, it compounds into heights one didn’t imagine.

What is holding me back? Even after knowing all this why don’t I try to more, or why can’t I like I froze into a place. I have a feeling it has something to do with the job that I can’t stop. Need money, and the job does the exact opposite of everyone that the pursuit of happiness will require. I need a break from it like a second chance. And I can’t stop earning. My parents are dependent on me. And even if I have to find a way for this second chance, I need to keep working.