I found him in my block list, I could see his picture. Makes me wonder if he didn't really delete all my contacts. I open my block list zoom into that picture and close it back. I'm unable to like anyone other than soldiers, then I feel I must be crazy. Been 6-7 days straight days I have been imagining being hurt, now I feel, I hope this want is not a symptom to something serious. Something more serious than my currently marked red and little blue, my hands freeze to go harsher than that, I wish someone could just do that to me.

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For two days I have been trying to get out of bed. To do anything, just arrange the books. It's not a big task but I'm unable to get up. I started crying, Friday evening, yesterday evening, then took Nexito, I wanted these thoughts out of my mind. Today I feel the same. Took it again.

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About a 2 weeks ago, I had a anxiety- panic attack.

I thought this is it. I'll be ending my life, any time. It was scary to feel close to the end. I walked crying in the street, I didn't want to come back home.

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I have been hating A, more and more. Some days i just miss him and everyday I wonder if he found the girl. If I really need to forget him now. Why is the hate not strong enough. They say,neuroscientists that opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. I wonder if I can forget him. He is definitely getting married. Probably my love wasn’t enough, I’m almost always sad and dull. There are better women out there ready for next phase of life, already doing well.

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It hurts to be old and dysfunctional. Really want to punish myself. Rather train with pain. I’m at a scary point in life and I feel ruthless towards myself. I worked on food. Exercise is next. Concentration, sleep, speech and friendship I’m most worried about, like I can’t…

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This is everyday.

Read if you Want to know what depression feels like. I’m a woman born in ‘92.